HONEZLI, DIS ABH EHN…IYYAF TAYA ME

1

Please please, why can somebody not just enjoy live in this ABH?

They will shaa provoke you ni. Some people have specialized themselves in tormenting your already tormented spirit as if …as if there must never be peace. Ask me what I have been seeing o…

After a long stressful day, I will branch at Kelechi’s side just to get a fellow hungry man that will keep my soul company till the next morning and imagine, I will now have to be using the little glucose I have reserved for coordination to be waking somebody up; maybe you think there is a bed there, there is kuku no bed but you know, some innovative human beings can make a bed out of anything.

I will now vexingly go to Al Falah since I even have one #50 naira change with them so I can get (Solo) Zobo; an adjuvant for that man that is hungry. They too will now hand me one textbook like that to be looking for names that resemble mine. Thank God I don’t have many names that I will now not remember which one I put down. But wait…what if a namesake has a higher amount to collect, we can just swap o. After I manage to win the ultimate search, they will now tell me there is no Zobo and in fact, there is no hungry man anymore except I’ll buy 2 orientals…I mean, how many years in this school that somebody wants to be orienting me?

I will now carry vex go to ABH ventures only to discover that it’s a planned something; volume two of that textbook: The Write-your-name-for-change Textbook is still here! The painful thing is I’ll have to first wake up another kelechi, ask for prices, then wake him up, ask for nylon and total price, then wake again after the textbook search to pay. How will you not wake somebody up when fatigued elders run to their rooms and leave a super fatigued boy behind?

That one is not even the issue, you know my name may be cancelled only to be rewritten again because there is still no change? Please, is world war (shey Ogun Laye ni?)? I don’t kuku understand again…before change, no change, now we’re in the time of change, still you don’t have change, is it now after change that you will change and start to have change? Or you think I’ll forget or forego like many do, if I hear..How much is my allawee that I will not remember that you owe me?

I will now say I should empty my bowel before I eat the something, you know, to enjoy it…and Gbam, another trouble will show face. I have to take a long walk, not to freedom o, but to A block for that matter. Wait sef, even if somebody will spend money on water in one block, Why A? What did they even consider…central location? population? Oh sorry, I forgot, it’s closer to the outside! Don’t mind me. When I now get there, somebody will now be scolding me because water pours down while we are replacing buckets. So, that it the cause of water shortage abi…very soon, you will even blame evaporation, don’t go and pump water for somebody you hear?

When I bring back water, one plastic bone would have decorated the WC in brown and white. See, don’t worry, the day you’re caught ehn, you will know that God is not a native of Ijebu. You will see that as you can design, so also can you be designed. Because, I will now have to use a part of my water to clean up the smelling something, then the thing will be so much and stubborn that I will pour almost all my water and the rest will not be enough for me again. So I have to go return to A block? Oh my God, how did it turn like this for me?

After the erythroBLASTolis, I will settle down to enjoy the fruit of my labour. But, as I am happily rolling the thing with my fork like this, the happiness-spoiling mosquitoes will be daring me…”shebi you will lie down, lie down if it’s sure for you“. Why will they not dare you when there is kuku no light, a weekend sign in ABH now. Me that I have mosquito net, who born mosquito! If I hear, somebody born mosquito o. The heat under the net and the insecticide that will be doing my eyes like raw pepper will force me to remove it sharp sharp…and at that time, I can only negotiate damage control with these forces.

Sleep that is not even smooth, I will wake up some minutes after 5 am and I will still meet some people at A block. How can I be queuing at 5 am for God’s sake? As if that is not enough, when the day breaks and I say I should quickly jack one small thing o, Iya will just be knocking off signal in my head with “Mo wan bi o“! And is it her fault? When some people like these will never hear word. I don’t know the dirty teeth someone will be brushing like tyre from upstairs that he will now be raining it on us. Some will pour some kinds of sullage water that the concentration can get you hospitalized. The school too did not kuku consider drainage for their floors? The 3rd floor guys should better be thankful that iya is even warning. If it were those iyas that you will pour something on and they will look up, smile and snap finger at your ni, they would have known something.

I say let me even go and take my bath o, somebody in the next bathroom will be pouring water as if his family donated the bathrooms. Guy, calm down now, No o, he will even be urinating and the urine will be getting to your side. After bathing and dressing, I say let me go and service my spirit at Prestige:

Good Morning, I want dry beans with Dodo (in a pack) and then Bread

No o, they ask us not to sell dry beans alone again except you’re going to buy rice with it..😒. “

“Ehn Ehn, so I should eat Rice and Beans and Bread abi😠”

I mean how will you be offering me sacrifice when I’m not an oracle. Is that “just beans” for God’s sake? I will buy your bread too o, I will buy plantain and I can even buy meat..Emphasis on “can”. I mean that meat that they almost cut their fingers with. That one is not even as bad as the plantain, ehn..Dodo! one slice for #10! They have taught all of them formula X+1 where x is how much worth of plantain you want divided by 10. That is, if it’s #30 plantain, you get 3 slices plus one…I mean 4. Don’t think the slices are so big o, they’re not….actually, they’re not rara!
Spaghetti’s own is worse; it’s the rule of thumb and fork (minus little shaking effect). The thumb in collaboration with the tip of the fork will pick up the spaghetti, then they will shake to adjust the quantity…that is #20 worth. Honestly, there is God! Even the beans that we are talking about, their thumbs would have divided the spoon into half and they will just shove it on the plate like those bricklayers throw sand will shovel.

Before I even get to the front nko? The place is just like early Monday Lagos Bus stop and only one person will be serving everyone on my side. Am I not a Brownite? How much am I paying? Worst still, you know snail? Ehn, that slow animal…they’re even slower. How will they not be slow for God’s sake when one person will serve, go to wrap the spoon and serviette paper, return with the food, go back with the payment, wait till they get the change and write the ticket, return to give it to the customer, if the person has a problem with the change or the ticket or wants to get something else with it, that one person will still attend to him/her and a whole lot of others are waiting behind to experience the same. Maybe they would even be faster if they stop the cat walking.
I don’t have time for their serenre again, I’m even going to Ofada; the perfect place to take your visitors in ABH, after all, an example of impossibility is a queue at ofada.

What! Registration? Sorry, they say it’s “ticketing”! Okay, pack, jollof 3 spoons, fried rice 2 spoons, one egg and 20 naira pure water (which should be 3 satchets).

Oga, how far na? Two tickets as how? One is for food, one is for change! You people just think you can hold my money anyhow you like and frustrate me till I buy something with it abi? The day I will drop your food and collect my money is coming soon. If ofada is even saying there is no change, I understand, how about prestige? Are they paying them with cheques or transfers that one cannot for once get a complete change?
Okay, I calm down for the ticket man, go to the server…oh, I can’t cry. Aunty, did you know me from somewhere? Have I offended you before? Five spoons and the whole thing still look like pediatric dose? Ah… God will bless Mama Klazz in Tedder o.
TO BE CONTINUED

1 Comment
  1. Samuel says

    Very very true.
    I couldn’t stop laughing

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