A Satirical Piece


Disclaimer: Do not question why I am not an ideal student. I never expressed interest in being one. I only wish to share the recipe with those who may be interested.

Medical school is not hard. If you think otherwise, it can only be because you have been doing it wrong. Medical school is a walk in the park. Surely, you have heard the saying, “Even an idiot can become a doctor. Medicine is all about repetition.” Or well, some variation of it. Whether or not this is factual is yet to be verified. However, considering that primarily consultants and senior registrars spew this, there must be an iota of truth to it. As a concerned colleague of several suffering Medical Students (you need not ask about my own suffering status), I took it upon myself to make an inquiry into exactly what makes a perfect medical student.

You can give your gratitude after the article (Comments would do. There is no need to grovel when you run into me). A senior registrar who thoroughly enjoyed medical school was kind enough to share the answer and it appears becoming an ideal medical student is an easy feat that only has four requirements. They are as follows:

STEP ONE – Perfect Attendance

A medical student has no right to not be in school every single day. How will one learn if one is not present? What exactly would you be doing if you are not in the wards, clinics or theatres? It is expected that one should be in the hospital every single day.

Even if one is ill, the only place to be is the hospital. Broke a limb? The hospital. Bored?The plethora of cases would definitely keep your idle mind intrigued. Dying? You already know the answer. There is absolutely no excuse for one’s absence. One should not even need an excuse.

Spending the greater part of every day in a building filled with sick people, a smorgasbord of pathogens and interesting senior colleagues is a wonderful gift and the ideal medical student understands just how invaluable it is.

Bonus points if one chooses to spend every waking moment there and abhors basic human trivialities like feeding and urinating because all they do is reduce the quality time one can spend on the ward, learning. The hospital should be one’s entire world.

STEP TWO – Gratitude

Be grateful. Never complain, ever. It is rather unbecoming of a medical student. Medical students have absolutely nothing to be dissatisfied with. Not only should one be grateful for every second, one should not have time to complain.

Every second should be expended on productive pursuits. A ward round lasting longer than three hours? Perfect. A whopping three hours to learn more while simultaneously getting the exercise majority of us do not get? Multitasking at its finest! One should have nothing but gratitude towards that.

Neurosurgery unit beginning its day at 6:30 a.m.? It is simply daylight savings. The earlier one rises, the more they can get done; ingenious to say the least. Emergency surgery after a long day in the clinic? A chance to consolidate the knowledge acquired during the day with a practical scenario.

All these are blessings in disguise and an ideal medical student should identify them for what they are. Always be thankful.

STEP THREE – Divinity

This one is obvious. The ideal medical student should be divine. He/she should never hunger or thirst. It also goes without saying that sleep is an activity he/she should not engage in. In a sentence, one should have no need for food, water or sleep as they are merely human ‘needs’ that take away from the time that can be dedicated to medical school.

Medical school is a jealous mistress and a sure-fire way to win her heart is to do away with everything else, including feeding. It is only fair as in comparison to what she can offer, sacrificing one’s stomach and nutritional wellbeing is inconsequential. Jesus Christ did it. Medical students can too.

The ideal medical student should consider it a privilege to sacrifice anything and everything for medical school. That alone should fill up one’s innards.

STEP FOUR –  Team Spirit

While medical students are assigned patients, it is expected that everyone should know a little lot about every patient in the unit. An ideal medical student should be a team player, possessing knowledge of all patients as well as being prepared to step in at any given moment with this knowledge. This is where the time one would have spent sleeping comes in. Those hours can be allotted to clerking every patient in the unit instead, with time to spare to read up on the cases.

Efficient, is it not? Who knows, one might even get to correct their senior colleague when they go astray. After all, it is common knowledge that we live to outshine our masters, or teachers.

It has all been thought out, down to the last detail and compressed into four requirements. These steps are guaranteed to make medical school a breeze. Yet, it is as simple as “show up, smile, be a robot and eternally remain on standby”. Four easily achievable steps that every medical student should imbibe because medical school is as simple as ABC, well except you’re dyslexic.

Even an idiot can become a doctor and with this guide, one has no reason to not astound senior colleagues with one’s brilliance. If an idiot can do it, so can you. No need to thank me for the guide. It was the least I could do for my dearest colleagues. The senior registrar who shared these requirements however wishes more would strive to be ideal medical students. Do not disappoint him.

Characteristics of an ideal medical student.

P.S.: If you follow these steps and still find medical school hard, I think it might be in your best interest to drop out.

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