EATING NOODLES 101

Listen, if you still refer to all types of noodles as “indomie”, then you have not been paying attention. If you are a lazy chef like me and your favourite food is noodles, then this is a crash course on various ways you can eat your noodles. Needless to say that if you show me how you eat your noodles, I can tell you whom you are. Hey, stay with me.

1. Noodle snack
Yes, this is exactly what you’re thinking. All you need is one or two sachets of your preferred noodle brand and begin to crunch away. Depending on how deep you are in the trenches community, you may decide to take a cold sachet of water or not even drink water at all. Some say people who eat this have a higher risk of committing a homicide in the future, but don’t let that scare you; crunch away, you cultist.

2. Plain noodles
This comes in handy when it’s few days to the end of the month and your account balance is lower than the number of Grammy awards Davido has bagged. The only difference between this and the noodle snack recipe is that it involves the seasoning and access to either firewood or electricity — as you are in no position to consider buying gas.

3. Noodles and Egg

In these trying times when the cost of eggs has made us wonder if hens now undergo assisted conception, you must be swimming in money to be able to afford an egg. This would also mean that your cooking cylinder is filled with gas, so you have the luxury to boil, fry or break the egg in the noodles and enjoy your meal. And depending on how wide your pool of money is, a cold bottle of water or zobo should work as your preferred drink.

4. Noodles and Suya
You know what I’d do if I walked in on you eating noodles with suya? I’d call EFCC, because it means you’re spending “yahoo” money. Adding beef or chicken suya to your noodles takes the taste up a notch. You should really try this if you haven’t; just make sure I don’t catch you in the act though.

5. Stir fry Noodles

For this recipe, you would need carrots, onions, green pepper, red bell peppers green pepper, blue pepper, magenta pepper, chicken, beef, sausages, sweet corn, bitter corn, and of course, a sprinkle of noodles. As much as I love this recipe, I can only dream about it, lest I get sent back to my village all because of “Indomean”.

P.S: If your roommate makes stirfry noodles, kindly contact 08031231231 to get him/her arrested for ritualism.

I hope you found the crash course useful, also, don’t forget to blow the whistle on that your roommate today.