Valentine’s just went by. I didn’t have a boyfriend. I still don’t, to be clear.
For some time now, I’ve been looking for love. I’ve never been in a relationship. Ever. And while the single life is addictive, I am ready for a change. I am not the girl that gets stopped on the road for being pretty, or the kind of girl who catches people’s attention for grace and poise. Don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty cool aura, somewhat mysterious yet with a contagious energy. It’s not a bad bargain and I quite like it. I would just like for someone else that I like to come along and like it as much as I do.
Anyways, after months of praying (not to God, mind you) for someone, a few candidates came into the picture coincidentally. It wasn’t exactly what I expected. It left me with mixed feelings. I realized I have no idea what to be on the look out for. That, and that I have an innate self-sufficiency that makes external bonds seem unnecessary. It’s like adding lime to the water for a dehydrated person, more or less pointless. And then I realised they weren’t necessarily separate issues. I didn’t know what to look out for because it wasn’t like I actually had a space just waiting for them at some pedestal they are meant to occupy.
Generally, the human interactions and relationships are confusing to me. I still can’t tell till date if I’m an introverted or extroverted and I find the term ambivert ambiguous. When I am in the midst of many, I thrive, if I choose to. I can be quite comfortable. And when I am in my den, I reenergize, keep it uncontaminated by external spirits. However, just because I reenergize in solitude doesn’t mean I run to it every time for aid. In turmoils, I avoid seclusion because the voice of my thoughts can be smothering. In times like that, the chatter of the world comes handy as a distraction while I work things out in the background.
Sometimes, the distraction can overstay and I forget myself, literally having to put in the work of finding myself. And on some days, interactions drain me, mentally and as far as physically. These are the days I employ the term ‘social battery’. These days my space gets so cozy, I forget the faces of people. Regardless of this bundle of contradictions, it works together well for me.
So, when I find love will this person occupy my sheltered space with me or will the person be the perfect distraction? Will the person drain my social battery? Or will the person be an extension of my being, almost inseparable mentally? I don’t know. I can’t move forward if I don’t know. What do you think?
PS. This piece is not from the author’s life but stories from different souls in the universe.
