“YOU NO KUKU GET BODI”
–By Eniola Salaudeen
Seriously, being slim in Naija is one hell of a crime, especially when you reside in Ibadan. Let me explain.
You know it’s a crime when you have been waiting at the bus stop for a long time, not because there haven’t been cabs but because you are waiting for one with an empty back seat so you can sit comfortably. You don’t want the front seat because it’s 2 people who sit on a seat meant for one person. Then the cab comes, back seat empty, yaay! You finally made it. And so, the journey begins. You have your earphones plucked to your ears listening to Rainbow by 2face, the wind blowing gently, stroking your face as the cab moves. You are happy and then… a fat woman stops the cab. Gangangangan… there is only a half seat left at the front. Then your ordeal begins.
“Aunty, abeg come manage for front here with this brother. This madam no fit sit for front. Aunty abeg, you know you no kuku get bodi “, the driver says to you, his evil smile reaching his ears. And then, all passengers join in the plea, some saying stuffs like:
‘abi o, before you know it now, we will get to where you are going’
And your mind says ‘shut the fuck up Mas and Sirs, if that is so, you can just take the floor and sit on the half seat‘
But your mouth says nothing, it only forms a smile. And your legs? Those betrayers! They only walk to the front seat on their own accord.
And so, you find yourself at the front seat with the brother and his school bag who press you tightly to the gear box so that you have to raise your left hand above your head each time the driver wants to use the gear box… Or if you are like me, you keep your hand permanently on your head. Perhaps, in a state of mourning of the unfairness you have to endure.
And need I add that you do not pay manage money? You pay the same as everyone else, the same amount with those evil people who joined in making your journey miserable, people who sat comfortably through the journey, so comfortable that they spent the entire journey arguing politics.
Can you relate?