HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION IN ABH – A SATIRE
Disclaimer: I can neither confirm nor deny the accuracy of the instructions written in this manual. I have never won an election before. As you must know, I performed awfully in my only attempt to be elected into student politics (Ask around for the details). Hence, you agree that it is beyond my scope to tell you how to use the recipe below- whether with a pinch of salt or a teaspoon of sugar.
However, I pray these steps guarantee you victory.
Declare as early as possible.
You must do this to solidify your niche and scare other candidates considering the same position. Ensure you declare early. Do so in two days max if the post is likely to be tightly contested. If you think you’re not competitive enough, you can wait a few days to check if the coast is clear and confirm that no other person is competing before you declare. Trust me; you don’t want a loss that challenges your self-esteem. However, you also don’t want to appear to be acting based on an afterthought.
Create a Whatsapp BC
If you do not create a BC, how else will you declare? Your BC must be respectful because you need to make the electorate feel powerful. Use some keywords in your BC. Rather than say, “I officially notify you of my intentions,” say, “I HUMBLY declare to yield myself to your service.” Brownites don’t like a not-humble leader.
Put some Words in BOLD
Find ways to sneak in powerful words like Accountability, Togetherness, Vision, …you know the rest. If you want to sound more philosophical, use Transparency, Solidarity, and Innovation. Leave these words in bold because most Brownites will likely not scrutinize your BC. Trust me; no one will read your BC, even your campaign manager. They will only skim through and look for catchy items.
Release your Campaign Poster – as basic as this sounds; it is key.
People must see your face. Yes, they have seen your name and your BC and the words in bold, but they must associate all these with a face. If you can, print the poster and hang it in strategic locations. First things first, you must smile. You can’t lead Brownites if you’re not very happy to. Trust me, the best way to lose is to release a scary campaign poster. Also fold your arms to make them know you mean business.
If you’re aspiring to be the financial secretary and look hungry, you will steal our money. The only person who must not smile on the poster is the Defence Minister because we are not joking here.
Attach a Bang quote on your Poster
If your poster has no quote, you’re not ready to serve. Rather than say something about yourself like “Leadership is not an art or a science but a calling to serve- Chiang Kai-Shek,” say something about the voters like “Your voice can change the world. We are the change that we seek-Barack Obama”.
Take this advice: do not post quotes whose authors only appear on the second page of a google search.
Do your research; look for a quote from progressives like Hilary Clinton, Martin Luther King, or Nelson Mandela. Stay away from controversial politicians and Nigerian politicians.
Meet the Past Office Holder(s) for (their) Blessing
You cannot downplay the effect of these blessings. When you meet your unofficial godfathers, please act humble. Ask questions you already know the answers to. Ask them about their time in office (pretend like you weren’t alive during the past one year of their tenure).
Keep your Friends Close and Your Enemies Closer
Since you realize the power in numbers, you must create a campaign support group. Send a link for volunteers to walk with you on this journey to victory. Please do not bother about how many of them are active and continue to shower them with appreciation. Be careful of moles in your camp. Device a plan to spot them and understand their intent. Don’t forget to plant some moles in your opponent’s camp. This is politics, bro; it is serious business.
Become Extremely Nice
At least two weeks before you declare, you must gull Brownites to think you are very approachable and courteous. Greet everyone with a prominent bow and wear a wide smile. On the corridors, in the TV room, while waiting your turn in the cafeteria, greet people everywhere. Some might encourage you to greet the Brownite using the adjacent water closet but I don’t have an opinion on that. Ask a Brownite if you could help him carry his bucket of water upstairs. Your handshakes should last a little longer. You must ensure everyone who contacts you leaves feeling more important than when they met you. Remember, every vote counts.
Know the Questions to Avoid
All you did was to declare to run for office and not promise to be an encyclopedia or fortune teller. Some questions will be very dicey and be intended to cause you to implode. Identifying these questions isn’t enough; you must become a master of the dark art of responding without answering.
If you get asked a cunning question like, “Can you guarantee that in your tenure, I ballot a YES during the scramble for bedspace?”.
First, start off by thanking this very inquisitive fellow. Convince him that you appreciate his concern and that it always bothered you why some Brownites ballot NO. Then go on to answer another question that no one asked you. Speak eloquently and in-depth. Do this to a fantastic extent where you’ll get the fellow to nod and lead him to forget what they asked.
Contribute to the Propaganda about your Opponents
Whether they originate from you is not our problem. However, you and your support group must sponsor them. If questioned, don’t debunk any false narratives about your opponent. Rather, feign ignorance and appear shocked.
Don’t be surprised when you hear some propaganda about yourself. Don’t you realize that even Mother Theresa was slandered?
Monitor your Opponents Closely
Steal their graphic designer if need be. If they make a move, do the same. By ‘opponent,’ I refer to any aspirants for any post. If an opponent distributes handbills, please do the same. If your opponent runs ads on the ABH Press website, please raise funds and do the same. You must match their energy. You must not be caught slacking. Brownites don’t like to be taken for granted.
By this point, I can almost guarantee that you (especially if you run unopposed) will be elected into office- to humbly yield your gracious service to noble Brownites.
Do you think I left any important steps out? Kindly drop your additions in the comments.