Happy Sunday everyone! Hope you all went to church?

I am very sure you must be wondering from the topic what it is I’m about to say. Fear not! For I have not come to bang the hammer on anyone’s head, not yet! Is it not funny, how everything in this world is organized and put into factions (yeah… like the divergent movie), starting from the type of roommates you have, to the types of colleagues and even the type of friends you keep. Everything in this world is just well organized. I have pondered this over and over, and came to a resolute that our God is an organized one. Look out how he created the world in series. The first day was for lights, second day was sky, then the greens and animals, and finally came the creation of man. Wonderful time-table and partition.

I may not be a creator of animals or fishes, but I certainly am an observer of things that happen around me, and I have reached the conclusion that we are, whether aware of it or not, all portioned into different sets; and this is not just evident in our social environment, but also in the church.


 I have noticed that there are eight different kinds of people you find in the church, and yes you are part of them, so just look for your faction, and yes, No judging please! This is not based on units or executive position, but the church as a whole.

  1. no-early-bird-clipart-1.jpgTHE EARLY BIRDS – Punctuality is a good character. It confers responsibility and regard for the things of God, and these people have come to accept that fact. No matter how you try, you can never be earlier than these people. Service is for 8am, they are there by 7:45am. Like I see these guys, and I weep for myself. Why are you people stressful bikonu? Even when you now decide to come by 7:30am, they are already there by 7am. I can’t deal again!
  2. violent prayersTHE SPIRITANS– Quick advice! Don’t bother sitting beside these ones during the prayer session. Either the spirit in them will move you, or they will move you with their hyper-reflexive limb movements. The way they move their heads and march up and down during prayers is really scary. Even when you try to speak in tongue beside them, their own sounds superior, and they make you wonder if you are really speaking the right thing.
  3. Sermon-Writing-Preaching-without-NotesTHE STENOGRAPHERS– I don’t know why these particular set of people always sit beside me in church. They come with their bibles and another book as heavy as the bible, if not heavier; and as soon as the pastor is called; they start jotting, even as the pastor is walking to the pulpit, they are jotting. From the beginning to the end of the message, their heads are neck deep in their jotters, with the wrists in a flexion-extension reflex, scribbling even the jokes of the pastor. “I wish you well! Do not worry, more scribbling awaits you at the marriage feast in heaven“.
  4. These brings me to the NOISE MAKERS. Now don’t get me wrong, this noise is good noise, but sometimes…they can be soo extra! finger+snapping,+yoruba,+orisha,+body+language,+west+africa+gestures,+nigeriaThey usually occupy the middle row or the back seat. These ones can shout for the heavens. The pastor says, “…and Jesus told the woman…,” they spontaneously start screaming, “. . . Talk to me pastor, bless me pastor . . . Thank you Jesus!”. I accidentally attended a service with a friend in a church like that, and I was surprised because I couldn’t hear a single word the pastor said from start to finish, and yet people were shouting and screaming, and catching the rhema with the “endless snapping of their fingers”.
  5. These particular set of people are so unique that I could not find a name for them, sofunny-no-cell-phone-sign-s-7727 I coined one for them, the “PHONOPHILIACS”. It is very hard to tell when these ones are reading the bible on their phones or chatting away on the social networks. Their only sober moment is during prayer session, and immediately after, they are lost in it. Perhaps, they are chatting with the Lord in private!
  6. Then comes the LATECOMERS. No matter what you do, these ones cannot come early. Their case is in the court of Heaven. Either they come after the word, or during the reading of announcement. Why on earth did you bother coming? Well! Better late than never I guess.0cd
  7. insouciantThen comes THE INSOUCIANTS. Couldnt think of a better word for them! Like sometimes I really wonder if they are forced to come to church. Their facial countenance, their mood even their smile dampens your mood. Immediately after service, they vanish, as if they were never present. Like, it almost seems they have a bone to pick with the Lord. They never run out of excuses for their mood “I did not just feel like it. . .i could not really understand what the pastor was saying” At least if you can’t smile to the brother or sister sitting beside you; try and smile for the altar where Jesus is present.sleeping-church11
  8. These next set of people are the most hilarious of them, I call them the JONAHS OF OUR TIME. They can sleep for the heavens. Holy smokes! The only time they are awake is during praise and worship. As soon as the pastor picks up the microphone for the word, mama mia! They are gone! They literally come to the resting place of their Father.

As for me, I am a humble Phonophiliac!



1 Comment
  1. Joseph says

    Mehn, this is so hilarious!?

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