To all the Women I Disappointed in 2021,

Warning: HIGHLY CLASSIFIED INFORMATION

If found, kindly return to any of my 72 women

The matters of the heart are dicey. Give people your heart and in one move, they dice it. This doesn’t however reduce the addictive appeal. More often than you would like to admit, you take the bait. You get hooked in the stillbirth talking stages, navigating the maze of the most suitable colour of the heart emoji you should send, and the disruptive long calls that you know deep down, you actually enjoy.

The recurrent issue is that realities are not always the same. Like every man with desirable qualities, I have had a couple of hearts tug at the handle of mine trying to seek entrance, so I know this. At first glance, it may seem like I don’t budge and I have had to watch people clothe me in the villain’s coat in their minds because of this. That is however not the case. My heart bleeds for every well-meaning push and pull. And to every woman that has come knocking at the gate but met silence, this is the message you would have got. I’ll leave it hanging at the entrance like a NEPA bill.

To Zainab, I am not blind to all the green lights. In fact, I see beyond them. I see they are powered by the battery of sincerity. You have shown me generosity at the extremes because it beats me to this day how a human will be vexed because another individual refused to take her offer of help. These attributes could easily grant you a place in the list of saints (or the Walis as you would have been quick to point out) but what shall we do with this coconut head of yours?

While independent thoughts and convictions are attributes I find attractive in a woman, I believe there are times you should choose being kind over being right especially if being right is futile when the bigger picture is considered.

What bothers me the most about your indignation is our religious differences. When my deeds clash with your deen, how do we resolve if you are not the type that easily makes compromises? This is why I have held back any advances and put on dark eyeshades of emotional ignorance.

To Suzan, people say Cupid shoots arrows all over the place, I beg to differ. If that were to be the case, we would have so many dead bodies on the street. I think what the bubbly kid with chubby cheeks uses is tranquillizer darts with half-potency. This way you are so dazed that you just let go of everything you would have considered precious. I sound so certain because I have seen it at play with you. You are willing to give everything away for love. These sacrifices in themselves are not bad. But both of us are not financially stable and I suspect we would spend all the profit and capital from that perfume business you are trying to manage on dates at Taberma and Cinema at Ventura.

Despite my being a very flawed man, I don’t want to be the guy who had a hand in his girlfriend going bankrupt. So when you texted me and I took too long to reply, it was because I just had to keep working. I suspect Buju and Reminisce were all about the rhyme when they said they will carry their hustle on their shoulder because your hustle shouldn’t be anywhere but on your head. If my wallet becomes bulky, I promise, I will take a pause to see the green light, if it hasn’t changed, that is.

To Chioma, ours is a chemistry that is bound to be explosive. I just know it. Don’t ask me how. I mean, look at us, I’ve still got 2 years to spend in school plus whatever number of years ASUU will add to the mix and there’s you that is answering the clarion call of corper wee in Nasarawa. Taking cues from our conversations, it is evident marriage is on your mind, which for you, is understandable. Unfortunately, for me, it is unthinkable. When my dad was alive, he used to say someone who depends on others to be fed shouldn’t consider raising a puppy. How will I be a happy man if I can’t comfortably fund that baby girl life you like to live?

You want to know another reason why I think this thing will likely lead to hot tears? I suspect I am the one overthinking this; that we are some rare elements with a special bond. Maybe I’m the one building castles on gases because of your noble acts and soft countenance. There may be nothing special about this chemistry. I may just have been overwhelmed with gratitude the time you told me you are naturally a sweet person and you just have lots of love and joy in you to give. After all, who no like better thing?

Zainab, Suzan, Chioma, and my 69 other women, I have made the decision to focus on myself and absorb as much value as I can. It doesn’t look like I will be meeting my personal Temmy Otedola anytime soon so I better double on this hustle. I have also heard many tales of a man hitting his peak when he hits 30 and I see that age just around the corner now. If the tales are true and none of these 72 women has personal access to this heart by then (which would be such a pity), I will like it to be on my terms. Maybe a lady in her twenties making her way up the ladder of the industry (bonus point if she is Igbo) or one of you that would have built their own empire by then. The only way this can actually happen is to have something big going for me too and there is no shame in craving for more. The game is the game.

Until then, I will continue to burn luxuriously in 72 colours for all my women. I wouldn’t have gotten here without you and we sure need one another to go even further to the better lives we all envisioned.

Penned by a Prisoner of Conscience

Disclaimer: All the characters in this piece are fictitious. If you see the likeness of anyone in it whether alive or dead, pinch yourself. You are hallucinating.