Just recently releasing her first e-book, ”Before Twenties”; ABH Press had an interesting conversation with the author, Judith Ebengho, who shares her interesting perspective about the book including various challenges she faced as a person while growing up.
Enjoy her exclusive with ABH Press!
Can we meet you?
My name is Judith Ebengho. I am from Edo state, a 400 level medical student. I do lots of fun things, including making clothes for women.
So let’s talk about your book: “Before Twenties”. What was the reason behind the name?
When I was younger, I really enjoyed my birthdays. I would go out with friends to eat and do lots of fun stuff. We entered this year, my birthday was in February; and a lot of my friends had turned 20. And it hit me, “Mehn! These guys are getting old”. Then many of my classmates started getting engaged, and reality just hit me! “Time is fleeting and loads of people are already doing a lot of things”. So for me, it was supposed to be my birthday and I said, “Judith, you are really getting old”. I was just clocking 20, so it was not like I was that old or something, but it was just a moment of realization for me to reflect about the past. Are there some things I could have done better? Are there things people should know about, that I am just realising? You know, there are some people who are doing really well for themselves by themselves, and on the other hand, there are some others who are so confident that their parents are there to sort out things for them. So I felt it was time to start taking responsibility for things, and if I was feeling this way, then certainly there are others like me too.
Would you say your background had a role to play in the inspiration to write the book? It is not far-fetched that such ideology may be born with those who are not from wealthy families.
No! My parents are comfortable.
Why did you peg it “At 20”? Why not “Before twenty-one” or “Before thirty”? Is there a particular milestone you expected from people before the age of 20, or something?
I was at a conference sometime and someone said, “15 is the new 30 now, with the way things are going”. There are some things that we would normally wait till we are thirty or something before doing; but that is not the case now. If one is really serious minded, then at fifteen there are some things he or she should know. It is no longer age-specific again. The world has changed and it is like we are moving backwards age-wise in terms of realization.
The things you listed in the book (awareness, money etc), are those things applicable only to the twenties? At what point do those things stop being applicable?
Well I think it should be applicable to everybody, irrespective of age. I just pegged it at twenty to emphasize the need for people to start their self-discovery early enough. I was writing from my own perspective, my own view of things and how it relates to me. Being a young person in the same age group as my book, I found the things I listed down more relatable to people in my age group. It may differ a bit for people in their forties, because what I put in my book is really not everything. It is a very brief version of a myriad of things that one should know about regardless of age. I feel it is a continuum, because most of the problems we face or will face in our thirties or forties will be as a result of the choices we made while growing up, especially in our teen years.
Let us delve a little into the book itself. Your first point, Awareness, you laid a lot of emphasis on self-discovery. At what point did you discover yourself, like the turning-point?
Well, I am still on the path to self-discovery. It is not a day’s journey (laughs). Well, I have always been a serious person which is way different from self-discovery. The point when I started being deliberate about my actions, you know, thinking things through and all; maybe sometime last year. I became deliberate about my decisions and all last year, because one of my year goals was self-discovery. So I started working towards meaningful living and not just existence.
So there was no sad story or someone dying before you finally discovered yourself. I think it is now becoming a norm for writers these days to attach major milestones with something really emotional and sad.
None of that. It just sort of hit me! For me, twenty felt like forty or fifty (Laughs). So that was it!
In page 15 of your book, you said something about leaving music for a silly reason. What was the reason?
(Laughs)… No! You were not supposed to ask that. Someone asked me before and I declined to answer, because the reason was really silly. I mean, I should have continued singing or maybe I was not a good singer. (So why did you stop singing?), Well in my book, I talked about self-esteem. While growing up, I always wanted approval for things that I am doing. Whatever they said really mattered then, not anymore of course. Back then, I had a friend in UNIBEN. While in the Lecture theatre one day, he sort of picked my phone and stumbled upon my voice recordings. Then I used to sing and record them and play them back later to listen to how nice I sounded over the recorder and all, and I felt I sounded so good. So he picked my phone and was listening to my playlist and my recordings came up, and he started laughing. He laughed so hard, and I was like “is it that bad?”, and he was like “what were you thinking?” I mean I thought I sounded so nice and all, and he was like I should never try it again. I don’t think he knew how much his words hit me, and I took it personal. At home, my brother plays the guitar and I sing for him and all, and they were always cheering me. I felt they were not telling me the truth because they loved me and all. So at that point, I lost interest in anything regarding singing, including picturing myself on the stage singing to a lot of people. Everything just stopped for me. I did pick a viable lesson though, because this same person that told me to stop singing is into full-time rapping. The irony! Sometimes, when he sends his track for me to listen to, it sort of feels really funny because he does not know what his words did to me back then. I was at fault though, for listening to him; and I really did not know then. That was why I talked about self-esteem in my book. It is so important to be your own person.
This leads to my next question. You spoke of being the “fat kid that nobody likes”. Where there any stories of bullying or being teased while growing up?
I won’t call it bullying, but I was called lots of funny names. I always felt like every other kid that did not look like me was better, that being big was a bad thing. I felt like there was something really wrong with me for being big. Trust me, I talk more now than back then! Some people even interpreted my silence then for pride and all, but I honestly did not know how to talk to people. It was really bad and I felt like a pariah. I could not participate in class or answer questions. I found myself always wanting to flock around slim, good-looking girls because they were like the “queen bees”. I felt if I hung around them long enough, I will probably be noticed, because I felt I was just invisible.
And how did that work out for you?
Worse than I imagined. I was in a place that I was not needed, it felt really weird. You know the feeling when you are being pulled, like a load that is just being dragged along. At some point, I got tired and stopped trying. My backup plan was then to study really hard and be good in my academics. I mean, if my looks will not speak for me, then my books will! And it worked! (So you were like the top of your class?)Not exactly. I was just good, I guess!
At what point did you decide to embrace yourself, not caring whatever people said?
I really would not want to say that, because it is really personal. Something happened then, and I would like say at this point, that it is really important for a young lady to know herself. If you really do not know yourself, you will be taken for granted. I got into some stuff, which I am not going to say. It ended up really bad for me. You know how people talk about depression, I was there and the funny thing is that nobody knew I was depressed. I was an introvert back then, maybe I still am but I have grown out of it, sort of. When you talk about dying in silence, I have been there. I will burn the food in the house, break plates; and yet, I could not say what was happening. That happened because I did not know my self-esteem. It happened once, it happened twice and I kept going back and forth. At a point, I could no longer take it again. I decided it was all over. I was done feeling this way! I am a strong-willed person, like if I want to stop something, I can be very dogged about my decisions. It takes only God to reverse it. Sometimes, you just have to help yourself out of an ugly situation, because nobody will.
I really would not want to say that, because it is really personal. Something happened then, and I would like say at this point, that it is really important for a young lady to know herself. If you really do not know yourself, you will be taken for granted. I got into some stuff, which I am not going to say. It ended up really bad for me. You know how people talk about depression, I was there and the funny thing is that nobody knew I was depressed. I was an introvert back then, maybe I still am but I have grown out of it, sort of. When you talk about dying in silence, I have been there. I will burn the food in the house, break plates; and yet, I could not say what was happening. That happened because I did not know my self-esteem. It happened once, it happened twice and I kept going back and forth. At a point, I could no longer take it again. I decided it was all over. I was done feeling this way! I am a strong-willed person, like if I want to stop something, I can be very dogged about my decisions. It takes only God to reverse it. Sometimes, you just have to help yourself out of an ugly situation, because nobody will.I really would not want to say that, because it is really personal. Something happened then, and I would like say at this point, that it is really important for a young lady to know herself. If you really do not know yourself, you will be taken for granted. I got into some stuff, which I am not going to say. It ended up really bad for me. You know how people talk about depression, I was there and the funny thing is that nobody knew I was depressed. I was an introvert back then, maybe I still am but I have grown out of it, sort of. When you talk about dying in silence, I have been there. I will burn the food in the house, break plates; and yet, I could not say what was happening. That happened because I did not know my self-esteem. It happened once, it happened twice and I kept going back and forth. At a point, I could no longer take it again. I decided it was all over. I was done feeling this way! I am a strong-willed person, like if I want to stop something, I can be very dogged about my decisions. It takes only God to reverse it. Sometimes, you just have to help yourself out of an ugly situation, because nobody will.
I was not really expecting this. This is really emotional, yet inspirational. Another point you raised in your book was money not being a “grown-up” problem.
Most young people are like “when I grow up, I’ll think about money and stuff”. I was trying to say that it is not a grown-up issue, a young person should also think about money issues. In as much as our parents are footing the bills now, it is not a crime for a young person to cultivate the habit of saving money. One should know how to plan for the rainy day, not be overly dependent on parents even for the tiniest need. So I feel, basic financial management skills are very important for a young person including knowledge about assets and liabilities. For us young people, we are into liabilities than assets. Right now, one should not just be reckless. Some things are necessary, but not all things are expedient. For most of us, if our parents cut off our pocket money, we are literally dead and it should not be that way. Learn how to come up with a budget for a month, know how and where your money is going. One should learn to save up for whatever you need, it is way too important. Soon, you will soon have a family and they will depend on you, and you should be able to balance all the needs including yours too.
The journey so far, are there any regrets upon this journey to self-discovery?
Sometimes I can be a little too pushy. I can get so aggressive about what I want to get, that I have to call myself back, like “get a hold of yourself, girl”. I got to a point where I was always putting a price tag on everything. It became too much at a time, and I got a little disappointed in myself. In as much as I was trying to develop myself and grow, I found myself being eaten up by these attitudes, that I started losing my charitable self. I had to strike a balance because I was tilting towards becoming stingy all in the name of being economical and all. I became so absorbed in achieving my set-goals that I was failing at some other important things. I think that has been my major regret thus far. Lol! I am not stingy o!
When you were writing your book, what reaction were you expecting from your readers?
For me, the book was meant to be an article. I just wanted to put it on Instagram and that would be it. My goal was to reach out to a lot of people, but I was not really sure how people were going to take it. The week before my book came out, I was so nervous that I started having a runny stomach. Yeah! It was that bad! What if it gets out and people don’t like it? The book had been ready ever since, but I kept holding its release because I was afraid of what people will say and all. And being my first time, it was a really big deal. So I did not know what to expect from the readers.
So far, what reactions have you been getting?
I was really wow-ed. I got lots of messages from young people saying the book had really helped their lives and this was exactly what I wanted. They wanted to make changes in their lives after reading my book and that was the major objective of the book.
Any critics so far?
People said it was really short, that they were just getting into the book and it just ended. I think that is the major issue that people have. I felt people did not want to read something too long, maybe I would have made it longer. I wanted to write something that people will actually read, not just download and leave it there.
The big question, what next? Should we be expecting another book?
I am trying to do something with my website, starting a podcast series. I will be talking about issues that I am learning, and how people can learn from it too. Hmmm, should I say it? (Just let it out). I am thinking of writing an extended version of the book. (Laughs), something really formal. And I think I might (pauses)… Oh dear! I should not say it… (Just say it, ABH Press wants to hear it)…I think I might just publish the book! I just might.
You are a writer, an entrepreneur, a medical student and a really strong Christian. How do you combine all?
It has not been easy. Anything worthwhile is not easy. A meaningful life is not meant to be easy all the time. I get overwhelmed to the point that I cry sometimes. I get back to the room and ask myself why I am involved in too many things and I cry, and ask “why can’t I have a normal life?” At those times, I seek comfort from God and I am just sure that He has my best interests at heart, and I feel He is holding my hand through every step of the day.
Any last words for young writers who want to express their feelings and ideas to the world?
Whatever you want to do, meaningful things, just start from where you are. You really may not have it 100 percent figured out, you really may not know how to do it; but when you start with what you know, along the line you learn new thing. Do not be scared to fall down. I was listening to one of my mentors, Ayo Megbope, CEO NoLeftOvers. She came for a conference that I attended and she said, “Do not be scared to fall down, and when you fall, pick up that lesson and continue moving”. A lot of us are scared of failing, hence we do not try. We are scared about what people will say or do. The truth is, try or not, people will always talk. That should not bother you, provided you are doing the right thing. So I think, you should take those things as challenges and dare them in the face. It is easy to live a normal, trouble-free life, but I think one should dare to take a leap. You might fail, but failure is part of success. Keep doing it, it will definitely learn a thing or two.
Thank you very much for your time.
Thank you for having me.
Let us be on the lookout for something big coming from the creative desk of Judith Ebengho.
Visit her website at www.judithebengho.com to download the e-book.[Click here]